


Three's A Crowd

by viciousmollymaukery



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Beau POV, Claustrophobia mention, Established Relationship, Fluff, Group Dates, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, be gay do crimes, blood mention, canon? i don't know her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27793063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viciousmollymaukery/pseuds/viciousmollymaukery
Summary: beauyasha, fjorester, and shadowgast triple date in a modern setting, and all the chaos that ensues.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Fjord & Turtles, Fjord/Jester Lavorre
Comments: 20
Kudos: 158





	Three's A Crowd

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShadowCr0w](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowCr0w/gifts).



> prompt from shadowcrow on tumblr: Consider a shadowgast, fjoresterand beauyasha triple date if you will. The absolute chaos that would ensue is a thought:tm:
> 
> This got VERY LONG compared to what I intended so I'm posting it here rather than my tumblr! Please let me know what you think, and if I missed any tags, also if there are any typos because I edited this fairly quickly.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

“Fucking nerds,” Beauregard mutters as she walks hand in hand with Yasha down the dusk-lit sidewalk, scrolling through the backlog of their groupchat on her phone with her other hand. “There’s like, zero good suggestions from either of them. They _do_ know that visiting the library doesn’t count as a date, right?”

“Oh, so all those times I left training early to bring you dinner while you were holed up in there last summer don’t count?” Yasha asks, a smile ghosting the corners of her mouth.

“That’s different,” she protests.

“How so, exactly?”

“It… it’s—we made it hot, okay?”

“Hm, yes, you were _very_ hot downing your fourth coffee and rambling about how all your research on spacetime anomalies and active cult groups came together, especially while I was trying to ask you about wedding stuff.”

“Damn right I was.”

Yasha chuckles. “You’re ridiculous,” she mutters, leaning down to kiss the top of Beau’s head as they turn the corner.

Beau blushes as she wrinkles her nose, amazed but not surprised at how even _now_ her wife could still get that sort of reaction, and lifts one arm to wave down Jester’s bright red buggy. The car, lovingly dubbed ‘Sprinkle’, had seen better days since its initial purchase, but Jester insisted that it still drove _perfectly fine_ and that she did _not_ need to take it to the mechanic at _all_ , thank you very much.

Jester struggles with the window crank for a few seconds before getting it to roll down. “There you two are,” she shouts, leaning almost her entire torso out of the window itself. Fjord reaches out a hand to keep her from tumbling out without even looking up from the driver’s seat. “Come on, get in, we have to pick up Caleb and Essek still!”

Beau blinks as she looks at the car, doing the mental math and not liking what it adds up to. “Jes, _how_ are we supposed to all fit in this?”

“It’s fine, it’s fine, we’ll make it work!”

“I offered to call Orly, just for the record,” Fjord calls from behind the wheel. “But _someone_ insisted!”

“Sprinkle will be _fine,_ Fjord,” Jester whines, pulling herself back into the passenger seat. “We can fit, I already figured it out.”

Beau hears Fjord mutter something about _‘if this car dies on me’_ , but nothing else, so she and Yasha share a shrug and awkwardly climb around Jester into the backseat. Fjord says a quick prayer before turning the key, and the engine sputters to life, much to the glee of Jester, who claps her hands and cheers.

“Seeeeee, Fjord, I _told_ you—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Fjord says fondly, shifting the car into gear as he pulls away from the curb. “We still have to get the other two, so hold your horses.”

“Fiiiiine, consider them held.”

It’s only a few minutes for them to reach the Nicodranas University campus, and Beau watches as they approach the two nerds waiting near the fountain outside. Their face journeys as they slowly process the fact that all six of them will be crammed into Jester’s car would be fucking hilarious if it weren’t so painfully relevant.

Jester swears and grumbles to herself as she works the window crank again, but eventually gets it down. “Don’t even—I already have the seating planned out, okay,” she yells out the window.

“Mm hmm, and what are your plans for _this_ , exactly?” Essek reaches behind his shoulder and taps the handle of his wheelchair.

“It’ll fit in the trunk!”

Essek gives her a look.

“It’ll fit in the fucking trunk,” Jester insists. “I promise, I already measured and everything and I _know_ it’ll _fit_ in the _trunk!”_

“Uh, Jester,” Yasha says softly, peering over her shoulder, “there’s—I think you left some stuff in here, though?”

“Wait, _what?”_ Jester whirls her head around and practically launches herself into the backseat.

“Ow, fuck, Jes, that’s my _eye—_ ”

“I can’t help having a _tail_ , Beau!”

“Jester, you are my dearest friend, but I _will_ send you the bill if you break my chair.”

“Oh, wait, is my old harp book down there too?”

“Erm, what am I supposed to do with Frumpkin?”

“We could have just _called Orly—_ _”_

“It’s _fine_ , just— _urgh_ , fuck, okay, hold on!”

Jester gets out of the car and marches around to the back, popping the hood open. Beau hears a bunch of shuffling and a _zip_ as she presumably shoves whatever bullshit lives in her trunk into a bag of some kind.

“Beauuuuu will this fit by your feet?” Jester lifts up a bulging pink backpack, one she recognizes as having been bought from The Invulnerable Vagrant a while ago during their last trip to Zadash. Sadly, the bottom corner of it is discolored and stained now, and there’s definitely a _musk_ to it that wasn’t there before.

“Uh, yeah, we can make it work,” Beau says as Jester passes the bag over the back row of seats. With a bit of shimmying from her and Yasha, she’s able to put it on the floor of the car, even if it means her knees are drawn up to her chest.

It takes about fifteen minutes of shuffling and re-arranging, but they finally all manage to fit inside. Beau ends up smushed between Caleb and Yasha in the backseat, while Essek sits in Jester’s lap up front. Frumpkin seems very unhappy with the current situation, but his mournful meows are quieted once Caleb gives him a treat.

Fjord lets out a long, low sigh. “Alright, now, are we all ready?”

“One moment.” Essek reaches into his bag and digs through it, eventually pulling out a blue handicap placard and hanging it from the rearview mirror. “For the parking space.”

“Okay, good, something _helpful_ in this fucking car.” Fjord types the address into the GPS mounted on the dashboard. “Now, here we go.”

They pull away from the curb and navigate back to the highway. Beau ends up elbowing Caleb for more room, prompting the idiot to try stepping on one of her feet, which she pulls away and kicks him with, but that’s the extent of the drama. After half an hour and several rounds of Eye Spy prompted by Jester, they reach their destination: the aquarium.

It took a _lot_ of coordinating to finally agree on a place they’d all like, but it was something that appealed to all of them in the end. Beau and Yasha wanted to see some cool sharks, Fjord and Jester both wanted to explore the pirate exhibit, and Caleb and Essek were both obnoxiously curious to learn more about deep sea life. Beau was actually pretty excited for it. Sure, it maybe wasn’t the most _romantic_ thing in the world, but it was still dope, and she liked spending time with her wife and their stupid friends.

Fjord pulls in and parks close to the entrance, and they begin the slow process of getting everyone the fuck out. When they’re all unloaded onto the sidewalk, there’s a long, tedious wait in line to get their tickets. Yasha’s hand slips back into Beau’s as she bounces impatiently, and she blushes a bit before giving it a quick squeeze.

“Good evening, and welcome to the Nicodranas Aquarium! How many are in your party tonight?” The lady at the kiosk asks Fjord when they fucking _finally_ reach the front.

“Uh, six total, and one service cat,” Fjord says, rifling through his wallet.

“I believe I get a discount,” Essek says, raising his hand.

“Of course.” The kiosk lady nods and types a few things on her computer. “Let’s see, then that’ll bring your total to... one hundred and twelve gold and fifteen copper. Do you have a membership with us?”

“I—you—that’s—it—how much?”

Kiosk Lady turns her monitor around, displaying the total cost for their visit. Fjord puffs his cheeks and lets out a slow breath.

“Dude,” Beau says, “we can pay you back later like we said. I just gotta wait for my latest deposit from the Soul to go through at midnight.”

“I _know_ that, it’s just...” He glances back at Jester, trying to silently communicate something Beau doesn’t understand. “I’m, um, a bit _wiped_ at the moment—”

“ _Ugh_ , here, let _me_.” Jester pushes past and pulls her bedazzled pink wallet from the depths of her purse, handing Kiosk Lady the credit card with the symbol for the Lavish Chateau on it.

Kiosk Lady takes it with a smile and swipes it once before handing it back. “Thank you very much! Here are your tickets, and enjoy your stay.” She hands Jester six paper stubs, which she passes around to everyone before they continue on.

Once they’re inside and they’ve turned in their tickets to security, the aquarium opens up into a two-story foyer, with a huge fish tank column in the middle of it. Jester squeals and dashes over to it immediately, hauling Fjord behind her and pressing her face against the glass.

“Fjoooooooooord, just _look_ at them,” she gushes, pointing at a school of clownfish swimming by.

“They _are_ quite lovely. Oh, we actually caught one of these by accident once, when I was working with Vandran.”

Jester gasps. “Really?”

“Yeah, we did.” Fjord launches into a story from his seafaring days and it’s clear Jester is hanging on every word as they move deeper into the building.

They make their way through a tunnel-slash-fish-tank that arcs over their heads, surrounding them with water on all sides. Beau honestly finds it a little claustrophobic at first, but she’s distracted as one of the biggest sharks she has _ever_ seen swims over her head, and she quickly squeezes Yasha’s hand and points up to it.

“Oh, wow,” Yasha breathes, looking up wide-eyed. The shark bumps against the glass less than a foot from their fucking faces and swims away.

“Yeah, wow.” Beau grins slowly. “Think we’ll get to watch them feed it?”

“I really hope so,” Yasha smiles.

Caleb clears his throat next to her. “That is actually a very interesting species—”

He’s interrupted by a sharp gasp from Jester. “Fjord Fjord Fjord, come here, look! You can pet the turtles!”

Fjord shoots Beau an _‘oh-god-please-help-me’_ expression as she drags him through the end of the tunnel and out of sight. The remaining four of them sigh and look at each other before slowly following.

Jester has both her hands in the touch tank and a huge grin on her face as she pets one of the turtles, talking about how they should totally get one as a pet to brighten up their new apartment. Fjord stands warily next to her, his own hands firmly in his pockets and leaning as far back as he could without seeming super weird about it.

Beau shares a single glance with Yasha before they both run for the touch tank. She carefully runs her fingers over a stingray, a sea urchin, and a starfish in turn. Sneaking a glance at Yasha shows just how enchanted she is by the small creatures as she cradles them in her hands, and Beau’s heart aches at the softness in her expression.

“I, uh, believe the shark feeding is scheduled to start in eleven minutes, so we should probably get going if we want to get good seats,” Caleb says eventually, pulling his hands out of the water and dropping his eel.

“Oh fuck yeah, I don’t wanna miss that,” Beau says, wiping her hands on her pants to dry them. “Wait, where is it again?”

“Here, I have the map,” Essek says, twisting around in his chair to pull the pamphlet out of his bag and unfolding it. “Um, let’s see… I believe it’s at the very back of the building, on the deck outside.”

It still takes them a great deal of navigating, and they end up going in circles once or twice as Essek tries to guide them while reading off directions from the map with Caleb pushing his chair. Still, they get to the shark feeding show with three minutes to spare, according to Caleb, and there’s still some decent seats open. Beau sits back with her popcorn in one hand and Yasha’s hand in the other, her legs bouncing as the outdoor lights dim and the event kicks off.

Yeah, sure, she should _probably_ be listening to the actual information about the sharks themselves, but with the two nerds further down the row filling things in and correcting the inaccuracies, she’s not super worked up about it.

Beau actually cheers when the first fish is tossed in a high arc and the shark jumps up to snatch it, earning a shocked gasp and some more cheering from the audience. A huge wave crashes down after it falls back into the water, and most of the audience gets some degree of soaked.

“Fuck yeah,” Beau shouts.

“Holy _shit_ ,” Jester yells, water dripping from her horns.

“That was really fucking incredible,” Yasha adds.

One of the ladies in the row in front of them turns around to glare at their foul language, pointedly covering up her kid’s ears.

“What the fuck do _you_ want, huh?” Beau demands, which earns her an affronted look and an angry turn back around. She grins as Yasha blushes next to her, nudging her shoulder with her own.

The cycle continues a metric fuck-ton of times, much to Beau’s delight, and soon she can see all the blood and guts floating around in the shark tank. She and Yasha have both screamed their throats raw by the end, but it’s absolutely worth it.

“Okay,” Jester says, squeezing some of the water out of her hair, “now, how do we get to the pirate place, Essek?”

Essek pulls the slightly damp map out of his pocket and opens it back up with a sigh, scrutinizing it for a moment while a dripping Frumpkin half-meows half-growls in his lap. “It’s on the second floor, but I think the closest elevators are to the left of here.”

The closest elevators are absolutely fucking _not_ ‘to the left of here’, and Fjord takes over the map reading responsibilities after a quick vote. Still, between the sprawl of the building and their own tendencies to get distracted by the closest fish tanks, it’s a good ten minutes before they even get upstairs, and another ten before they get to the exhibit in question.

Jester and Fjord both dash forward, stopping only to pick up two of the novelty, complimentary pirate hats before stepping inside. Beau snatches one up and stands on her tiptoes to place it on Yasha’s head with a smirk.

“There, perfect.”

Yasha snorts and rolls her eyes, but keeps the hat on and squeezes Beau’s hand as they both walk inside. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“Yeah,” Beau says, still smiling at her, “I really am.”

The exhibit itself is actually really cool, she has to admit. There’s a bunch of placards talking about the history of piracy along the Menagerie Coast, which Caleb and Essek both flock to immediately, and a to-scale partial replica of some old pirate ship called the _Squall Eater_ , which Fjord and Jester both beeline for. Beau gets the impression that this area is probably more for little kids obsessed with pirates than grown adults with jobs and bills and all that shit, but, hey, they’re having fun.

“You guys, come up here,” Jester says, climbing up into the crow’s nest. “This is really awesome!”

“I’m fine down here, thank you,” Essek calls up to her.

“I, ah, don’t think Frumpkin would do very well with the height,” Caleb adds, lifting the now mostly dry service cat to emphasize his point before going back to read the pamphlet on different pirate flags with his head on Essek’s shoulder.

Beau snorts. “Don’t worry Jes, we’ll come up.”

With a few quick jumps that even Dairon would have to compliment her on, Beau gets to the top of the crow’s nest with Yasha behind her. The ropes _creak_ a bit under their combined weight, but she’s not that worried.

Unfortunately, she quickly catches sight of a security guard approaching them, shaking their head angrily.

“Uh, shit,” Beau hisses.

“Excuse me, that area is off-limits, please get down from there,” they call, staring up with their arms crossed.

Jester scoffs next to her. “Well, if it’s off-limits, why’s there a fucking _rope ladder_ leading up to it then, huh?”

The security guard sighs heavily. “Ma’am, I don’t make the exhibits, please get down in an orderly manner or I’ll have to escort you out.”

With various levels of grumbling from all four of them, they get back down from the ship and decide to hit the café-slash-gift-shop for dinner before leaving, because apparently Jester is ‘absolutely _starving_ ’ and needs to eat or she’ll ‘literally _die’._

They get to the café pretty easily compared to their attempts at finding places so far, and divide themselves between getting food and reserving seats. Beau finds herself scanning over the items in the gift shop, comparing the numbers on the price tags she can see from her vantage point in the booth to the pitiful amount of money still in her checking account.

“Psst,” Beau whispers, “Essek!”

“What is it?” He hisses back.

“If—okay, if I steal stuff, can I hide it in your bag? Or in one of your chair-pocket things?”

He sighs heavily and waits for a passing family to finish walking by before speaking again. “What specifically do you want to steal?”

“Just—I wanna get some of those keychains for Yasha, but I’m literally out of money and they’re like fifteen gold apiece and the pockets on my robes are super fucking small!”

Essek considers for a moment. “Okay, fine, but be discreet about it.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Beau says, standing up and casually making her way over to the keychains, deftly snagging the ones she wants and walking back over. She stuffs them in Essek’s backpack a few seconds later, just in time for Fjord, Caleb, and Yasha to walk back over with their food.

Fjord blinks as he sets down his tray. “Where’d Jester go?”

Beau looks around, swearing she was here just a second ago, and sees her dashing back towards them.

“Hi hi hi, sorry, I’m back!” Jester climbs back into the booth, panting from having run so far. “I, uh, just went to the bathroom, that’s all.”

Beau frowns and starts to ask something else, but then Yasha puts down a delicious looking Nicodranas-style donut in front of her and her question doesn’t seem that important anymore.

They all eat their food fairly quickly, each having their own shit they have to do in the morning and not wanting to be out _too_ late at night. Fjord’s got his boat tours, Essek has a doctor’s appointment or something, and she has to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to meet with Dairon, even though she’d really just rather feed sharks all night. Even so, by the time they finally leave and start cramming everyone back into the car, it’s well past sunset and the sky above is pitch black except for the smattering of stars still visible within the city, and the tiniest sliver of Catha by the horizon.

After maybe ten minutes or so of Fjord cruising down the highway, Beau hears Essek sigh from the front seat. “Jester?”

“Hm, what?”

“I’m going to ask you a question, and I’d like an honest answer.”

“Um… okay.”

“Is there a turtle hidden in your jacket pocket?”

Silence. More silence. Then all at once, reality sinks in and everyone erupts.

“Holy shit, Jes, what the actual _fuck?”_

“Did you actually _steal_ an entire _animal_ , Miss Lavorre _?”_

“Jester, what about its family? Don’t turtles have parents and siblings and things like that?”

“ _How_ did you even _manage?_ Where are we supposed to even _put it?_ _”_

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Jester screeches, her hands protectively wrapping around the now-squirming wet lump in her hoodie. “I—you—Beau, you stole keychains! And Essek, you fucking _helped_ her! I saw the whoooooole thing while I was coming back, so shut the fuck up!”

“Coming back from _stealing the turtle_ , you mean,” Fjord retorts. Sighing heavily, he adds, “I cannot _believe_ my fiancée _stole a live animal_ from the aquarium.”

Beau blinks. “Wait wait wait, hold on. Fiancée?”

She sees Fjord’s face freeze in the rearview mirror. Watches as the side of Jester’s face that she can see morphs into an ‘oh, shit’ expression.

“Uh… surpriiiiiise?” Jester says weakly, doing the best jazz hands she can while holding onto the turtle.

A slow smile creeps over her face. “Wait, really? Oh my gods, holy shit, you two are getting _married?”_

Fjord exhales and rubs the back of his neck with one hand, keeping the other on the steering wheel. “We, um… yeah, shit, I guess we are,” he laughs. “We were going to tell you all next week at Caduceus’s dinner party when _everyone_ would be together, but I guess now works too.”

“Congratulations to you both,” Caleb says, smiling as well.

“Yes, very good job,” Yasha adds, clapping as best she can with her arms pinned to her sides from how cramped they all are. “Jester, can—um, can we please be your bridesmaids?”

“Oh, Yasha, of course you can! I was both of yours last year, it’s only fair that you get a turn!”

“Hey hey hey, maybe the turtle can be the ringbearer,” Beau says, still grinning like crazy.

“Don’t you even _say_ that,” Fjord warns as he takes the exit ramp leading back towards the suburbs of the city. “Don’t put that out into the world.”

“We’ll find _something_ for the turtle to do, Fjord, don’t worry,” Jester teases.

Caleb clears his throat. “Well, because we’re all apparently advancing our relationships: Essek, would you—”

“Caleb Widogast,” Essek says slowly, turning around in the front seat to glare at him, “I do love you, but don’t you _dare_ propose to me while we are stuck in our friend’s death trap of a car and fleeing the scene of a felony twelve hours before I have to have surgery for the second time this year, or I _will_ say no _.”_

Caleb blinks and puts a hand to his chest in mock innocence. “Oh, I was just going to ask if you’d like to officially move in with me. I’m waiting until we finish our dissertations and I can actually afford a decent ring to ask you to marry me.”

Beau _cackles_ , wiping tears of laughter from her eyes and watching as Essek blushes like crazy while the rest of the car devolves into _oooooohs_ and _awwwws._

“I—you—that’s—” Essek clears his throat. “That… that would work, I think, yes,” he squeaks.

“Great,” Caleb says, smiling as much as Beau still was. “Once we’re out of the hospital, we can start looking at apartments that _aren’t_ broom closets, _ja?”_

“Mm hmm,” Essek mumbles, his head currently buried in his hands.

“Wait, Jester, do _you_ have a ring?” Yasha asks.

“Oh, yeah, here, look at it!” Jester fumbles with her necklace and pulls it out, and Beau can see a small, beautifully crafted ring with diamonds, sapphires, and emeralds embedded in the band on the chain along with her symbol of the Traveler. “Isn’t it so pretty?”

Beau lets out a long, low whistle. “Damn, Fjord, no wonder you couldn’t buy our fucking tickets.”

Fjord chuckles. “Yes, well, it was definitely worth it, for what it got me.”

Jester grins and clasps her hands under her chin before leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek.

Fjord smiles and blushes a little darker before shaking himself. “Hey, we’re still going to have to deal with the turtle when we get home,” he says as sternly as he can realistically manage, “but, Beau and Yasha, this is your stop.”

“Oh, shit, really?” She hadn’t even realized how much fucking time had passed, but they were already outside the small house the two of them rented from Yussa.

With even more climbing over each other and switching of seats like it’s musical fucking chairs or some shit, she and Yasha manage to get out okay. Jester struggles with the window one last time and sticks her head out.

“Byeeeee you two, we’ll see you soon!”

“Bye Jes, see you next week!”

“Yes, goodbye everyone!”

“Oh, before I forget, here.” Essek reaches out of the window to hand her the keychains, which Beau takes quickly and hides in her pockets as best she can.

“Thanks,” she says. “Anyway, bye!”

Beau keeps waving as the car disappears, only emitting a single sputter of smoke from the exhaust, before dropping her arm and sighing heavily. “I, uh, I guess I can give you these now,” she mutters as she turns back to Yasha. “They’re just—well, they’ve got sharks and all, and there’s the ones with the things from the touch tank as well, and I thought they looked cool and you might like them.”

Yasha takes the keychains from her, looking over them all with a small smile. “Thank you Beau,” she says softly, “this is very sweet.”

Beau coughs and rubs the back of her neck. “Thanks, I—”

The ground disappears under her feet as Yasha sweeps her up and carries her bridal style towards the door. Beau laughs as she links her arms around her neck. “What are you doing?”

Yasha shrugs, smirking a little as she struggles to get her keys out of her pocket. “I just—shit, come on—I just felt like holding you.”

The door swings open and Yasha steps inside. Beau reaches to flick on the lights and lock the deadbolt behind them, still giggling. “Okay, yeah, I can go with that.”

“M’kay. Can you go with watching a movie, eating the rest of the ice cream, and taking a bath with those fancy bath bombs from Jester’s mother before bed?”

Beau blinks a few times. “Y-yeah,” she squeaks.

Yasha smiles. “Alright.” She leans in and kisses Beau’s forehead. “Then it’s a date.”

* * *

**Captain Tusktooth, 11:07 pm:** _Okay, so, just so you all are aware of the situation: We ended up taking the turtle back, because we have literally nowhere to keep a live turtle in our living space. The aquarium agreed not to press charges, but all six of us are banned for life, so we'll have to figure something else out for next time. Goodnight everyone._


End file.
